Congratulations!
EMS had brought in a cardiac arrest patient who was pronounced dead shortly after arriving in the ED. The Senior Medic had gone to the waiting area to get more patient info. As he was attempting to express his condolences to the family, his very green paramedic trainee walked up and shook the wife’s hand with a cheery “Congratulations!”. Needless to say, he was dragged away and the beat down commenced.
I’m pregnant, I think!
We had a lady and her husband come into the ED one day wanting an OB ultrasound done. Lady states she had total hysterectomy and removal of both ovaries 3 years ago, but knows you can have “stomach pregnancy” and states she has felt a baby move for several weeks! Pt left upset after Dr told her she was crazy and just had gas!
Hey, there is something in my scrotum!
One of our medic units was dispatched to a 15 y.o. male with a needle in his scrotum. When they get there, the “story” they get is that the kid was naked, on the floor, watching TV, when he rolled over and an errant sewing needle that just happened to be on the carpet stuck him in the hairy beanbag. Evidently when his gonad jumped up to say “OUCH!” it sucked the needle inside his sack. Our crew was doing their best to maintain their composure when the kid remarks, “I’m really glad you guys aren’t laughing at me.” To which his father replies, “Son, these men are professionals, they’ll wait until they get back to the station before they laugh at you.” At which point both of the medics lost it and began luaghing hysterically.
Are you diabetic?
Got called to a Taco Bell for a possible diabetic emergency. PD is on scene and states that she is a possible DUI, however he states that she is a diabetic, so they are concerned about pressing forward if it has nothing to do with ETOH. The following is an actual converstation.
Paramedic; “Are you diabetic?”
PT; ” Yes”
Paramedic: “Ok, Which type?”
PT; (sobbing) “I don\’t know!”
Paramedic; “Bullshit.” After checking her FSBS, talking to the officer “Her BG is 86, Its good, You can give her the DUI.”
PT; “NO! I have multiple scoliosis!!”
Paramedic; “Oh, wow… Is that like multiple sclerosis, or more like scoliosis?”
PT now has a dumb founded look on her face.
Patient is in “stable” condition
29 yo Male 911 call for traumatic injuries. Turns out that in some bizarre sex game he’s pushed 3 toy horses into his rectum. Took him in and the doctors immediately listed his condition as “Stable”
Kentucky Jelly
I was caring for a young woman and asked, “So how‘s your breakfast this morning”?
“It‘s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can‘t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Dad is a moron
9 y/o m brought in by dad. C/o pain during & after urination. pt uncircumsized. Dx is balinitis. Dad never taught the kid how to clean himself. Rx for nystatin cream & self care instruction provided. Kid was OK. Dad is a moron.