My wife, uh, has worms

20 plus years ago, before we went to a central 911 center, all of our emergency calls were answered by the city PD dispatcher. As soon as the phone started ringing we could hear the entire conversation over the intercom system in the fire station.

One evening we were sitting around the station watching television when the emergency line rang.

DISPATCHER; Ourtown fire & ambulance, please state your emergency!

MR. STUMBLES: Well……. Uh………..Um………….

D: What is your emergency sir?

S: Uh……….. Um, Uh………… Gosh…………

D:  Do you have an emergency sir?

S: Uh…… Well…………  Uh, um, I’m not sure if this is an emergency or not.  Uh, um…………………

D: Sir, what is the problem?

S: Geez, um…….. Uh, I think my wife, uh……… has worms…………..

At which point one of the guys yells out at the intercom system, “Is she scooting her ass across the carpet?”  Then we all started busting up laughing.  And no we didn’t end up sending a medic unit, I think the dispatcher got him to call the ER for advice.

Sorry, I had to mow the lawn

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with funky purple hair styled into a punk rock mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient‘s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Yummy!

I told a parent i needed to give their child a suppository the other day, got to the patient, and then realized I hadnt explained what a suppository is properly, when the child asked “what do they taste like?”

So was Triaging the

So was Triaging the other day – flat out as usual. I look up to see an anxious youn man standing in front of me. I read with slight humour his T-shirt – which said “Let’s play carpenter and get Hammered…..”
Began the triage and got basics from the lad. Chief complaint? 4 inch Nail gun nail through his right thumb and hand…..
He was REALLY regretting his fashion choices by the time we finished – have his photo hanging in staff tea room and his Darwinian award application…

I was working triage

I was working triage and we had a guy high on meth come in. We sent him back and about 10 minutes later the charge nurse comes out and asks if we’ve seen a naked man come out. Meth guy’s clothes are folded neatly in his room but no one can find him and we even had security out looking for him. I decide to take a look and walk ALL THE WAY into the patient’s room. I find him sitting behind the bed, crouched with his knees to his chest, rocking. Score one, nursing student!

Inner city patient p

Inner city patient presents to ER with GSW. When asked about NPO status, he responds that he had McDonalds hamburger after been shot, since “last time you didn’t allow me to eat before the surgery”.

It was long long tim

It was long long time ago. Patient presents to county hospital with severe headache while wearing cylinder hat. When triaged and it was his time to be examined, he was found dead with a knife in his head, hidden by cylinder hat. Sounds like he deserved the Darwin award…

I work for a public

I work for a public ALS EMS district that does 911 calls and emergent transfers. Upon picking a patient up off the hospital floor for a transfer, I had a registered nurse tell me she hadn’t given the patient any pain meds in several hours because the patient was allergic to them. Wondering why you’d give them in the first place if she was allergic to them, I requested she describe allergy. “Well I gave her 2mg of Haldol and 2mg of Morphine @1230 and she developed an altered mental status!”