Patient reported dis
Patient reported discomfort in and around her vagina. Upon investigation, it was ascertained that she had been having sex with her boyfriend when the condom broke. Thinking quickly, in order to avert pregnancy, she douched with the closest thing at hand: a can of cream soda. “It’s fizzy, right? So it should get you real clean.” Hey, at least she didn’t use Pinesol.
48yo male @ ER; "my
48yo male @ ER; “my friends played a joke on me & put this bottle on my penis”. 20oz Mountain Dew bottle around his penis. He presented 4AM Saturday morning, but this occurred 11PM Thursday night, so he waits 29 hours to come in. He had cut off all of the bottle except the hard plastic part that the cap screws onto, since that plastic was too thick for his scissors, so when he presented he had the top of the soda bottle around the base of his penis. Severe edema & erythema, OK & d/c after 4 days.
Obese teen female ca
Obese teen female came by ambulance at 4 AM worried she was pregnant. Said she stopped using condoms with her bf after a week “because he decided I was his girl now and he didn’t have to wear one anymore” I decided a pelvic was in order. I first had to tell her what a gynecologist was and what a cervix was because she was unsure. As I was about to insert the speculum, she asked if it would hurt. Her friend (in the room) says “It’s just gonna feel like a dick goin’ in.” I laughed in her face.
I do intefacility tr
I do intefacility transfers (mostly to behavioral health centers) and on one occasion I was met in the ED by a grinning RN. Handing me an apron she continued to explain that my patient was a “chronic masturbator” and then wished me luck with my 45 min. trip…
I have seen 2 men co
I have seen 2 men come to the ER with objects stuck in their rectums. The first was a man with an 11 inch vibrator stuck inside. When we pulled it out it had a condom wrapped around it. The other guy said his wife put a cucumber up his butt. Sure enough there was a cucumber, but we had yet to see any signs of a wife.
Patient comes into E
Patient comes into ER for a vibrator stuck in his Ass. The ER physician can feel the vibrations coming through the man’s abdomen and cannot retrieve it so he consults a surgeon who comes in to see patient and takes him for surgery. Just prior to the surgery, The surgeon asks the patient "alright when I get in here do you want me to remove it or change the batteries!" fucking hilarious and I love this surgeon.
last night- woman co
last night- woman comes in with vaginal bleeding. Of course, our first though was why didn’t she just go see her gynie, etc. But her case just goes to show that there’s always that one in a million that is actually an emergency. She was over 40, got a new- apparently better than average endowed- boyfriend, and had sex for the first time in 2 years. He literally tore her up, she bled until she passed out. We gave her lots of fluids and 8 stitches to the hootchie!
A female came in ask
A female came in asking to have a pregnancy test done. I told her that we don’t do pregnancy tests but she could go down to the dollar store and buy one. She then leaned over to her partner and asked “do we want to buy one?”. Yay for “free” medicine.