ERtards: Documenting the retards that visit the emergency room.

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- Concept : This is a place for you to vent about your experiences. There are no taboo subjects, so feel free to vent as we know there are a lot of goobers out there. Remember, there are plenty of medical professionals that are total tards too. So this is open to patients as well as staff members.
- If your story isn't published on our website, it is likely because it contains racist comments or poor spelling. Anything else we are pretty ok with.

Category: Funny

Dumb 12YO male presents with pain, swelling and abrasions on penis. He took dad's Viagra and ended up with priapism. Told the hysterical mom that "swelling" was called an erection, and that abrasions on penis came from the brat whacking off too hard and thus the pain. Mom asked what do we give brat to get rid of erection. Told her about "detum" procedure with 16-gauge needle and 60cc syringe. Brat looked horrified, but mom said it will teach him a lesson. Jeez, people are stupid.

#1331 (0) - Mar 6, 2010 09:34 AM by Anonymous - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (63) - I dunno, seems legit. (5)

I triaged a very large, very shy woman. I asked her what brought her in to the ER today and she just sat there. I said, "Dear if you don't tell me what's wrong, I won't know how to help you." Slowly and quietly she proceeds to tell me, "I slammed my boob in the trunk." I said, "I am going to have to take a look." The boob looked like a very large blueberry! She stated, "the trunk locked on it and I had to scream for my husband to unlock it." Priceless!!!

#1319 (1) - Mar 1, 2010 07:43 PM by TraumaJockRN - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (40) - I dunno, seems legit. (50)

A 20-something year old mother brought her 3 y/o daughter in, stating the daughter drank her strawberry-scented douche, and wanted to know if she would be okay.

#1304 (1) - Feb 23, 2010 12:17 AM by BlissfullyAlive - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (47) - I dunno, seems legit. (21)

Had a kid (under 21) brought in by police handcuffed for blood draw on Halloween. He was in his costume dressed as a prisoner. Needless to say, I think the humiliation from everyone laughing hysterically sobered him up pretty quickly!

#1291 (1) - Feb 21, 2010 12:59 PM by Anonymous - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (64) - I dunno, seems legit. (6)

23 y/o female co abd pain, talking on cell phone in triage. Me: when was your last bm? Pt: today. Me:what color was it? Pt: Normal I guess, brown. Me: Did it float or sink? Pt: I'll have to call you back. Guess it wasn't a real close friend on the phone.

#1250 (0) - Feb 7, 2010 11:38 PM by triagetech - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (61) - I dunno, seems legit. (6)

While working night for EMS, got a call for an allergic reaction/breathing problem. We get to the location and the patient's boyfriend meets us outside saying that she is having an allergic reaction and is breathing heavy. Get to patient and ask what her allergic reaction is to and she say alcohol. When asked what her reaction was she explained that when she has to much, she gets sick to her stomach and feels bad. So patient allergic reaction was that she get Drunk.

#1185 (0) - Jan 31, 2010 07:20 AM by Draken929 - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (111) - I dunno, seems legit. (12)

4 year old boy playing in the yard has a squirrel approach him. He throws his hat at the squirrel and it attacks. PT had minor scratches and bites.

#1162 (0) - Jan 20, 2010 10:06 PM by Anonymous - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (32) - I dunno, seems legit. (104)

a frantic mother and a smiling dad bring in their ten year old son. PT was at a birthday party at a go-kart track when he mixed up the gas and break and drove off the track, through a retaining wall, and into a frozen yogurt cart. The dad was such a good sport he bought the kid a yogurt to cheer him up. Kid had minor abrasions.

#1161 (0) - Jan 20, 2010 10:02 PM by Anonymous - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (52) - I dunno, seems legit. (38)

a whale of a "new age mom" comes in complaining of back pain after she fell off her couch trying to attain chi.

#1160 (0) - Jan 20, 2010 09:59 PM by Anonymous - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (109) - I dunno, seems legit. (8)

53 yr old female presents with a head laceration. She was gardening when she tripped over her dog and her face connected with a cement planter.

#1159 (0) - Jan 20, 2010 09:56 PM by Anonymous - Funny - Get back to the waiting room (29) - I dunno, seems legit. (87)

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