Patient came to ER stating, “I need a blue ribbon test ’cause my baby was born jealous.”
After thinking about what she was asking, it turns out she meant, “I need a bilirubin test because my baby is jaundice.”
Young guy w CC of “Bump on rectum” I examine him and find a veritable briar patch of HPV all over the rectum and perineum(he’s in the fetal position with his back to me)..I tap him on the shoulder and he looks back at me.”Are u homosexual?”I ask,He thinks a moment and shakes his head “No”.I ponder this a moment, and tap him on the shoulder again…he looks back.”Do men put their penises in your rectum?” “Sometimes!” he replies, and turns away, I tap his shoulder “That means you are homosexual!”
I saw a patient in triage who said, ” I have a bad crack habit, I need to lick it!
Pt comes in with complaints of back pain. After examination, nothing is wrong and dr gives motrin. When the pt realizes he was not getting narcs he decides he needs to use the restroom. The ER had been packed all night and we didn’t notice right away that pt didn’t return. ED got a call a hour later that our run away had been found wandering the 5th floor looking for his “friend” who he needed something from. Turns out his dealer was admitted the day before.
While working triage, I had a young guy came in handcuffed by police, pants were shredded from ass to ankle. When asked what brought him in the the ER, he proceeded to tell me that it was his 1 year anniversary with his girlfriend. He wanted to make it romantic, so the broke into Phipps Conservatory (a big beautiful greenhouse in Pittsburgh where alot of people get married) to have sex in the flowers. Well they set off the silent alarms and the cops showed up with the dogs. Didn’t even get laid.