23 y/o female c/o gastrointestinal pain, talking on cell phone in triage when nurse started asking questions.
Nurse: “When was your last bowel movement?”
Pt: “Bowel movement? What’s that?”
Nurse: “You know, when you went to the bathroom.”
Pt: “Why do you need to know that?”
Nurse: “Well, we need to ask questions to see what the problem is.”
Pt tells the person on the phone she needs to go and discuss her poop.
Female patient brought in after a minor accident in shopping mall parking lot. She was complaining of severe toe pain “to all her toes on both feet” so the EMT splinted both feet with IV arm boards. Patient was taken for X-rays and it is amazing how X-ray machines can cure a lot. Ever notice how someone can get up and walk after you tell them there is no fracture?
EMS arrived on scene of man choking on food. Man’s girlfriend stated, “My boyfriend was choking so I gave him the Heineken maneuver.”
An intoxicated male comes in to the ER looking for a prostate exam at 3 am (because that’s an emergency!). The doctor asks if he knows what it entails, to which the reply is “No.” The doctor takes his pager and turns it on and off, making several beeping noises as he runs it up and down the patient (in a Star Trek fashion). The doctor tells the patient his prostate is all good and he leaves delighted!
We keep our psych patients in the hallways to keep a close eye on them. Yesterday, as one psych’s wrist lacerations were being stapled, she was wailing and crying. Another psych patient was trying to calm her by saying “Let the Lord heal your baby,” and, “Amen, I can feel the power.”
We all about died laughing…