This is actually quite sad. A while ago we had a patient brought in after being resuscitated from cardiac arrest. His heart was somewhat stable, but he was still unresponsive. I don’t think he made it out the hospital alive.
The ironic thing is that it turned out he was the driver of a hearse and he’d had the heart attack at a funeral.
Three patients were brought in: one w/ melena, using the toilet (and wow did he smell), another one just two beds down the line w/ diarrhea making a mess in the bed. In between, I had to see the third patient: married straight guy who contracted syphilis and had no idea how (“Probably a toilet seat!” he said…yeah).
My patient screamed at the top of his lungs at a skilled nursing facility: “YOU PEOPLE ARE KIDNAPPING ME! I’M CALLING THE POLICE!”
He turned to my coworker and asked, “Can I borrow your phone?”
I read out a Pt’s weight of 195, and she said, “Oh, I lost a lot of weight!” I asked her how much she had lost, and she replied, “I weighed 325lbs 8 months ago.”
I told her I was impressed and asked her how she lost so much weight, and before I had even finished she stared me straight in the eyes and said, “Meth!”
When asking past medical history, patient states, “I was brain-dead once.”