I work as a CT tech and I was scanning a woman who had a confirmed bleed. While getting her onto the table and talking to her she started petting my arm and said, "Shhh, Shhh Sandy, don’t bark. Good dog." I wasn’t sure what to do so I said pretended to bark and finished the exam.
One nurse picked up the chart to call a patient back and instead of calling his name in the waiting room she yelled, "swollen testicle!" He raised his hand.
"I had a party on saturday night. I have just found my cat frozen in my freezer. If I put it in the microwave, will it come alive?"
My recent favorite was the 17 year old who called the ambulance to take her to the ER at 1 am on a school night. When I asked her what was going on she told me her ear wax was bothering her and she didn’t want to take her math test the next day.
I love it when a patient gets triaged for some stupid complaint (toothache, stubbed toe, cramps) get sent back to the waiting room. Since we do have real emergencies that we are taking care of, they decide that their wait time has exceeded 1hr and to get seen really fast you have to arrive on an ambulance. So they have the brilliant idea to walk outside down the street and call 911. Upon their ambulance arrival they are triaged again and sent back to the waiting room with a new arrival time.