I have pooped on myself and I can’t get up!
I have bumps!
60-something yr old guy comes in with severe dyspnea, O2 sat in the low 80′s. We start working like mad to get his sats up, Meanwhile, a family member says, “He’s also got some weird bumps on his back he’s had there for a couple of months and his doctor doesn’t know what they are. Are you guys gonna look at those?” Oh! By all means! We’ll need a stat Dermatology consult!
Yummy!
I told a parent i needed to give their child a suppository the other day, got to the patient, and then realized I hadnt explained what a suppository is properly, when the child asked “what do they taste like?”
Frequent Flyer Guest
Frequent flier psych pt (not currently suicidal/homicidal) in the waiting room becomes aggressive towards other pts, so he’s escorted to the quiet room usually used for grieving families. Triage nurse goes in to check on him 30 min later, only to find him masturbating while looking through the two-way mirror at the receptionist. He is told to leave. If you feel well enough to jerk-off, you don’t need to be seen in the ER.
Pot Head!
Got called to a local college for a 19/M c/o hallucinations and vomiting. Got there, story goes, “I walked through a cloud of pot smoke last night and now I’m seeing black cats and it made me puke.”….Me: Um..ok….and????? Someone got a nice psych consult at the ER.
Give me a drink!
Pt admitted s/p kick to the head while intoxicated which turned result in a carotid artery dissection. He was admitted for BP monitoring (and other things) and told not to drink caffeine. Before discharge he drinks a mt dew and starts having a panic attack (w/out xanax b/c docs took it away), BP was fine and he wanted to leave so we d/c’d. Gma calls back an hour later, after driving 45 minutes home, cause he’s vomiting all over and having a panic attack. Back to the ER 
What happened to my toe?
PCSO (type of British auxiliary police officer) calls over ambulance, presents c/o pain in foot, insists on examination. Turns out he had stubbed his toe on the door that morning. Gave 2×500 paracetamol.
Responded to the hom
Responded to the home of a man who was the oldest surviving male in his family at 40–already post CABGx4 with multiple caths and MIs. He calls for chest discomfort, and knows better than to wait, and he’s right! While giving report to the hospital, he lays back his head, looking at me… but not looking at me. Yeap, he’s dead. Precordial thumps x3, paddles, 200joules. He sits up… FINISHES HIS SENTENCE! …and then says, “My chest hurts,” looks at my partner, with paddles. “Oh shit!”