Airplane vs. Nose

The encode read “facial lac: airplane v. nose.”

Turns out, the local remote control airplane enthusiasts were out in force today. The “Heads up!” call came too late, and a gasoline-powered miniature airplane went propeller first into my patient’s face, severing – yes, severing – his nose.

Give me that drink!

I was completing my Practicum at my local Hospital. One day a confused 70 something PT came in on request of her family to rule out CVA, UTI, ect.

I was doing something across the hall when I heard loud gagging from behind the curtain. I glove up and walk into the room where this old lady is gagging horribly, I reach for a basin and just as I put it under her chin she vomits up cigarette butts! I guess she had wandered outside and found a styrofoam cup that other PT`s had been using as an ashtray and drank it! At this point I am doing my best not to vomit with her, but as soon as she reached for the cup again and said “Give me that drink I cant seem to get this taste out of my mouth” I knew I wasn’t the person to be helping her.

Congratulations!

EMS had brought in a cardiac arrest patient who was pronounced dead shortly after arriving in the ED. The Senior Medic had gone to the waiting area to get more patient info. As he was attempting to express his condolences to the family, his very green paramedic trainee walked up and shook the wife’s hand with a cheery “Congratulations!”. Needless to say, he was dragged away and the beat down commenced.

Well, at least he is a man now

It was not even 7 months after I had graduated HS, and graduated from first responder to EMT-B. Me and My Medic had gotten a call for a Seizure at the Holiday Inn at about 2030. PD was en route and had beaten us there.

We arrive on Scene and immediately get the cancel and return to post. Me and my partner decide to check it out anyway.

I immediately spotted my Cop cousin who was obviously trying to stifle a laugh. I then immediately spotted an young women I had encountered before at many parties in HS and had come to know that she would in fact sleep with any warm, breathing thing. Up until now I had always thought of her as attractive, I wouldn’t touch it with the glow worm gear but still.

Well the second party that came out of the motel room was the super super super senior of my class. This guy was convinced he was almost 300 years old, and had a variety of accents… none of which he could maintain for more then 15 seconds. This male had a body comparable to a bear….only in girth. He donned only a motel bed sheet.

My cousin then proceeded to tell me the story… apparently this young women had made “a man” out of the individual. Well since this was his first time… he had studied up by watching an adult video… so he decided to do a move known as “donkey punching”… he knocked her out at her climax…. and being inexperienced thought it was a seizure.

He not only left that day a man…but with a assault charge and my respect for doing what many of us had thought about doing for years.

I need to get into my house!

A 41 year old man was brought in by ambulance to the Emergency Department. While heavily intoxicated at home he had lashed out or flailed his arm and somehow penetrated his forearm on a long blunt door handle, which was still lodged in his upper limb (the ambos removed the handle from the door rather than risk taking it out).

Eventually the handle was removed, the wound cleaned and sutured and he was discharged. But before leaving he slurred ‘Give that back I need to get into me house’.

I’m pregnant, I think!

We had a lady and her husband come into the ED one day wanting an OB ultrasound done. Lady states she had total hysterectomy and removal of both ovaries 3 years ago, but knows you can have “stomach pregnancy” and states she has felt a baby move for several weeks! Pt left upset after Dr told her she was crazy and just had gas!

Hey, there is something in my scrotum!

One of our medic units was dispatched to a 15 y.o. male with a needle in his scrotum. When they get there, the “story” they get is that the kid was naked, on the floor, watching TV, when he rolled over and an errant sewing needle that just happened to be on the carpet stuck him in the hairy beanbag. Evidently when his gonad jumped up to say “OUCH!” it sucked the needle inside his sack.  Our crew was doing their best to maintain their composure when the kid remarks, “I’m really glad you guys aren’t laughing at me.”  To which his father replies, “Son, these men are professionals, they’ll wait until they get back to the station before they laugh at you.”  At which point both of the medics lost it and began luaghing hysterically.

My wife, uh, has worms

20 plus years ago, before we went to a central 911 center, all of our emergency calls were answered by the city PD dispatcher. As soon as the phone started ringing we could hear the entire conversation over the intercom system in the fire station.

One evening we were sitting around the station watching television when the emergency line rang.

DISPATCHER; Ourtown fire & ambulance, please state your emergency!

MR. STUMBLES: Well……. Uh………..Um………….

D: What is your emergency sir?

S: Uh……….. Um, Uh………… Gosh…………

D:  Do you have an emergency sir?

S: Uh…… Well…………  Uh, um, I’m not sure if this is an emergency or not.  Uh, um…………………

D: Sir, what is the problem?

S: Geez, um…….. Uh, I think my wife, uh……… has worms…………..

At which point one of the guys yells out at the intercom system, “Is she scooting her ass across the carpet?”  Then we all started busting up laughing.  And no we didn’t end up sending a medic unit, I think the dispatcher got him to call the ER for advice.