That Was Random

Stories



Y’all Are Jealous

Psych pt states, "I am shooting babies out of my ass and y'all are jealous."

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Cutting Onions

EMS gets called to home of 35-year-old male with "burning eyes" after cooking. Once we arrive he says he is feeling better and said it started when he was cutting onions. Apparently he didn't know that onions caused irritation to the eyes.

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Crocheted by Granny

Ambulance arrived to ER with 60-something year old female patient that was in a minor car accident. In order to remove the C-collar, I had to check for a spinal injury.

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Attacked by Rooster

EMS called to a working historical farm in town: "Child attacked by rooster."

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Kings and Queens

From a psych patient: "Do you have all your kings and queens or do you need more apples and oranges?"

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Magnets in the Floor

Nurse: "What seems to be the problem ma'am?" Pt: "My landlord put magnets in my floor and now my tits are sagging."

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Spoon in the Ass

Pt: "I need help getting this spoon out of my ass." Nurse: "Why do you have a spoon up your rectum?" Pt: "I was trying to get the golf ball out."

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Don’t Move the Salt Lick

Female patient in ER with severe chest wall bruising. The cause? She moved her horse's salt lick while the horse was licking it and clearly the horse didn't approve.

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Chest pain? Yeah, No Kidding

EMS received call for 30-year-old male with "chest pain." EMS arrived on scene and saw that pt had GSW x2 to chest. Chest pain? Yeah, no kidding.

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Bite My Tongue

Patient comes in to the ER with blood all over his shirt and mouth and says, "I was stapling resumes together when the staple broke, flew into my left eye and made me bite down on my tongue."

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Facial Numbness

Early 30's male presents with facial numbness. Stated it began after he rubbed a 9 volt battery on his face for about 10 minutes while watching TV.

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Smilin’ Mighty Jesus

"I think I gots the Smilin' Mighty Jesus." (Ebonics for: spinal meningitis)

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Full Arrest

911 call by a frantic mother stating her kid is in "full arrest". When medics arrive they are presented with a 12-year-old boy with the hiccups!

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Plastic Spoon Stab

Paramedics transported a mentally challenged patient to the ER. She lives in a group home and proposed sex with one of the male employees. When he refused, she stabbed herself in the wrist with a plastic spoon.

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Pink Lace Panties

As I am cutting the pants of a drunk male trauma patient, I look down and notice he is wearing pink lace panties. He thinks about what I am doing and proceeds to look up at me. Our eyes met and we shared a silent "WTF?!?" moment.

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Riding the Dolphin

Mother brought in her young child and said, "He was riding the dolphin when he fell." (The patient was playing on an ornamental dolphin at a playground.)

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Petting Zoo

A mother brought in her young son who was head-butted by a goat after teasing it at the local petting zoo.

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Raccoon on the Screen Door

Patient presented with several minor skin abrasions and said, "There was a raccoon on the screen door so I hit it with a broom."

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Foreign Body

Male in to ER complaining of a foreign body in his rectum. Doctors removed three limes! When asked what happened, stated him and a friend were drinking and his friend bet him he couldn't get more than three limes in his rectum.

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Dreaming of Lightbulbs

Patient came to ER because she had a dream she swallowed a Christmas tree light bulb. She was adamant about wanting an X-ray just to be sure she didn't swallow one.

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Call it Schizophrenia

Nurse walks into psych patient room and patient calmly says, "Why is it when you talk to God in your head it's called praying, but when God talks talk to you in your head you guys call it schizophrenia?"

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Alien Probe

Patient comes in to the ER with this chief complaint: "I saw flying saucer land in the desert and I have been abducted. I think they put an alien probe inside my body and I want it taken out! Do you think my insurance will cover it?"

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Remove the Credit Cards

Police brought in a woman that was under arrest for theft. So why was she in the ER? The police requested that we remove the credit cards she shoved up her vagina after mugging a woman on the street.

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Sagging Balls

Had a 30-something year old patient present because his "balls were sagging more than normal"

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Cardiac Arrest on the Front Porch

My partner and I were dispatched to a suspected cardiac arrest. On arrival, we were met by a couple who said they saw a lady sitting on her front porch in the same position two days in a row and she was still there.

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This Pimple is Huge!

Received charting from triage nurse that had statement from patient: "This pimple on my dick is HUGE."

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Flat Ironing Patient

A nurse smelled a "burning" odor coming out of a patient's room. Upon entering, the nurse found the patient flat ironing her hair.

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Naked Man on the Run

Male patient high on meth is brought in and admitted. He was placed in a room and about 10 minutes later the charge nurse comes out and asks if we've seen a naked man come out.

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Thanks for Saving Her

One night, my EMS crew and I went to dinner knowing it was going to be a long night. We decided to grab a cup of coffee to go and while standing at the counter, a young woman comes up, promptly hugs us and thanks us for saving her friend.

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Attack of the Fever

Dispatched to local nursing home for fever with secondary of possible UTI. Arrived to find patient in bed under about 6 heavy blankets.

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Don’t Snort the Baking Soda

Female patient in to ER saying she snorted baking soda and was scratching her nose with a pen. When asked why she snorted baking soda she said a friend gave her bad cocaine.

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Riding Dirty

20-something male presents with facial injuries from a fall. He rode a tricycle through the quad (while drunk) and down some steps and landed in a fountain in which someone has placed food coloring in.

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Biscuits and Gravy

Morbidly obese male comes into ER complaining of trouble swallowing. After examining, patient states that he had "choked on a biscuit" without enough gravy and things haven't been the same since.

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I’ve Torn My Metric Arsehole

Call came through as male C/O pain and swelling in leg below knee with a possible fractured ankle. On arrival, pt was found sitting in chair and alert.

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The Human Race

While scanning over a patient's ER admitting sheet, I noticed that on the race line the patient marked "human"

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Coochie Cat

A woman came into the ER complaining her "coochie cat was snotting" and wanted to have us help.

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Not Quite a Bun in the Oven

We get an older female that is massively overweight and smokes several packs a day. As a result she is on home oxygen and as any commonsense person knows, compressed oxygen is extremely flammable.

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Silly Rabbit, ERs are for Patients

What do you do when you run over a rabbit with your car? Well one "patient" brought it in (in two pieces) and expected us to do something about it.

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Pain in the…Pelvis

Chief complaint: "I've had this pelvic pain since 1989 and I just can't stand the pain anymore."

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Quite a Gag Reflex

16 y/o female came in complaining that she "swallowed a pen." Thought she was crazy but the X-ray proved me wrong.

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“Meat on Anus”

C/C: "Meat on anus"

Discharge Dx: anal wart

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Cancer in the Crease

"My vagina has a migraine. I think I got cancer in my crease."

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Radioactive Labia

Encountered a patient that stated, "Aliens injected my left labia with radioactive material - can you look to see where it's oozing from?" My response: "No, I'm not qualified, let's wait until we get to the ER, one of the nurses will assist you with that."

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Just the Tip

An 84-year-old gentleman came in with many complications from his diabetes. I went to take off his socks and as I began to examine him, the tip of his second toe broke off into my hand like a piece of turkey bacon. It was dry gangrene.

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This Little Piggie Gave Me Swine Flu

Got a call while working the EMS line and a lady on other end asks, "I was letting a pig suck on my finger and it broke the skin. Will I get the swine flu?!"

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Sting of the Scorpion

A 60 year old male called 911 for a scorpion sting on his leg.

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Last Name? Uhh…

A guy brings in his baby momma who is going into labor. She's taken into a treatment room right away as her complaint was legit.

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Bathing Fido

Mid 20's male presents with lacerations to his groin. The cause? Bathing his dog in the nude when an ambulance siren caused the dog to freak out. Ironic?

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Look what I can do!

There's an episode of the Simpsons where Bart crams his fist into his mouth and can't get it out. I saw a 4 year old do that in real life but his fist was removed only after we lubed up his hand.

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I Need a Rabies Shot!

Pt: "I need a rabies shot."

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Smells Like Burnt Asshole

An elderly man has rectal bleeding and calls his primary to schedule an appointment but he leaves out the fact that he's bleeding profusely.

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Twinkie Poke and Scrape

Had a 16-year-old female come in with sudden onset severe LLQ pain which concerned me for ovarian torsion. Spoke with mom and dad and explained that I needed to do a pelvic exam.

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Guess what, I’m Dead

Had a man come into the ER saying that he tried to hang himself and the rope broke.

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Sounds Tasty

Patient comes in complaining of severe sore throat. His posterior pharynx looks fine so I get palin film of his neck looking for epiglottis.

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Batter Up!

Had a PT come in with multiple lacs to face and head. Turns out he pulled a bat out on someone checking out his girl. Needless to say they took it away and beat him with it.

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Wake Up and Smell The Roaches

Had a blind lady in the ER that said she could "smell the roaches in her house". During triage we found she only had a stuffy nose.

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A Quick Bite

Inner-city patient presents to ER with GSW to the arm. When asked about NPO status, he responds that he had a McDonald's hamburger after being shot since "last time you didn't allow me to eat before the surgery."

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Nice Hat

Patient presents to county hospital with severe headache and wearing cylinder hat.

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A Shocking Ending

Responded to the home of a man who was the oldest surviving male in his family at 40--already post CABGx4 with multiple caths and MIs. He calls for chest discomfort, and knows better than to wait, and he's right!

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Help Me, I’m “Dyeing”!

I had a patient in triage, screaming that it was an emergency

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Heart Attack and a Funeral

This is actually quite sad. A while ago we had a patient brought in after being resuscitated from cardiac arrest.

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From Bad to Worse

Three patients were brought in: one w/ meleana, using the toilet (and wow did he smell), another one just two beds down the line w/ diarrhea making a mess in the bed.

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Can I borrow your phone?

My patient screamed at the top of his lungs at a skilled nursing facility: "YOU PEOPLE ARE KIDNAPPING ME! I'M CALLING THE POLICE!"

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Weight Loss “Secret”

I read out a Pt's weight of 195, and she said, "Oh, I lost a lot of weight!"

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Zombie Patient

When asking past medical history, the patient gave the most random answer ever.

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It’s a Mall Emergency!

So, we get a call for "patient not feeling well" and arrive to find a patient insisting on transportation to the medical clinic.

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Drop Acid

An automotive mechanic comes in after spilling battery acid on his forearm.

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Hello, yes this is the ER…

I was working the front desk of the ER when this call came in...

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we bring the homeles

we bring the homeless 30/f to the county ED for some bullshit headache. staff surprisingly didn’t throw her out into the lobby and gave her a room. one of their rare single rooms. we wheel her there and she’s upset that the room didn’t have a bathroom in it and she’d have to walk to the shared bathroom in the ...

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Once had a 83yr old

Once had a 83yr old man brought in by EMS for chest pain that refused to be treated until he was allowed to take his Viagra!

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The question was "I

The question was “I noticed that your father (80+ and unresponsive) has lost part of his penis. Can you tell me what happened?” “He cheated on my mom back in the 50’s.”

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patient approaches t

patient approaches triage and says “i have wind in my knees!” She meant fluid that required draining. This wasn’t a language barrier either, she was pure american with NASCAR jacket and all.

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Pt (who was a hemipl

Pt (who was a hemiplegic): “Nurse can you scratch my testicles” Nurse: “Why cant you scratch them yourself?” Pt: “I had a stroke” Nurse: “use you other hand” Pt: “It isn’t as nice as when someone else does it”

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I was about to take

I was about to take a 60 year old woman’s knee x-rays, when she proceeded to tell me that her husband wanted to know how she was going to wrap her legs around his head now that her knee was injured. She continued with, “I guess I’ll just have to sit on his face, instead”. Super.

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Pt presents with lar

Pt presents with large facial laceration. “I held my poodle up to the mirror and I growled at him!”

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A recent chief compl

A recent chief complaint “There are little people under my house digging tunnels and infiltrating my internet. I was abducted by 2 oreo’s and some salsa dip.” He was later admitted for a psych assessment.

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man, even the people

man, even the people that want to kill themselves are getting lazy. We had a patient come in a request directions to the pharmacy so he could get meds to overdose on. Clearly he was formed and given a pysch consult.

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Today, a ten year ol

Today, a ten year old came in with the eraser from a wooden pencil stuck inside his ear.

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We often get phone c

We often get phone calls in the ER from people who want medical tips outside of doctors’ hours. So one night some random old guy calls and asks if we could give him his doctor’s phone number. I ask the name of his doctor and he replies with “i don’t know” and proceeds to go ape shit when i cannot ...

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"I’m here because

“I’m here because my feet are unusually cold tonight and I’m worried”. When I ask what she was doing tonight “nothing, I just fell asleep on the porch”.

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This past halloween

This past halloween I’m at triage dealing with some random patient when I hear a crashing noise. I turn to see security chasing a drunk through the waiting room. This would be a normal except for the fact that the drunk was wearing a giant costume from “Where the wild things are”. I burst out laughing when he got tackled.

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A mother presents at

A mother presents at triage with her toddler son. It seems that after watching some cartoon he wanted to see in the dark so he took one of his raver sister’s glow sticks, cracked it open and poured the gel on his eyes. Saving grace was that the father was a chemistry teacher and quickly washing the gel out of ...

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A woman came into tr

A woman came into triage and asked me for some strong sedatives to put in her husband’s coffee. Granted her husband is a local politician that I don’t really like but I still had to refuse.

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"Sir, you need to p

“Sir, you need to pull your pants up and get your head out of the sink!” (An Xray tech talking to a drunk who is thirsty)

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overheard in one of

overheard in one of our rooms “you’ve been abusing heroin for 7 years and my taking blood makes you scream? please..”

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I had to transport a

I had to transport a patient over to xray and heard this from the room “oh yeah! i can feel the radiation! whooo!”

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I took a call in the

I took a call in the ER: “my dog ate all my valium. should I bring him in?” I told him to call a vet but really wanted to tell him to go dig a hole for the dog.

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Another gem of a chi

Another gem of a chief complaint: “My vagina needs draining”

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I got a call from a

I got a call from another paramedic crew stating “that overdose you just dropped off is running down queen street in a robe being chased by cops. he just threw his IV at one of the cops and it connected. You missed out…”

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I had to stitch up a

I had to stitch up a guy who sneezed while shaving and cut.. his balls.

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Pt. found on side of

Pt. found on side of the road in vehicle in SEVERE abdominal pain. Stated she had be constipated for the past few days. Asked what her last meal was “Taco Bell”. I’m not a doctor, but I think I figured out what’s causing the pain.

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A 23F with borderlin

A 23F with borderline dissociative personality disorder decides to use scissors to slash her abdo 1 day after she got 23 stitches on slashes in both her arms coz the ‘demons’ told her to. As i was suturing up her abdo lacerations, she decides to ignore talkin to the psychiatrist to watch how I stitch so she can try on ...

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I work for a patient

I work for a patient transfer service. We got a call to collect a patient from the ER and transfer them to another hospital for a Cat Scan. The patient had a German accent, was 84 years old, and had dementia. When I walked into the room, he looked me up and down and said “who is this big Jew?”

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Last winter during t

Last winter during the first real snow storm the department was rather quiet. All of a sudden the lights go out and emergency power comes on. The cause? A raccoon climbed up a transformer and exploded. We found him smoldering in the bushes.

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Got a call to a code

Got a call to a code; then a minute later another ambulance gets the same address for a second code – caller states it’s both her parents. We get most of the way there when we’re canceled for no medical need. Dispatch tells us the caller was dreaming, had a nightmare that both her mom and dad died, and called ...

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We picked up a frequ

We picked up a frequent flier one night who called 911 because he was hearing voices. At first he was just hearing music but knew there was a problem when his air conditioner started yelling at him.

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Maybe apocryphal, bu

Maybe apocryphal, but guy in the ER with his boyfriend–had inserted a live goldfish in his butt…trying to withdraw it, the scales locked it in place. The attending walked around the table, bent for a closer look and said “Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better.”

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Had to hold down a l

Had to hold down a large, grown man to put an IV in today. He was covered in tatoos but claimed to be afraid of needles. right…

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I had a 14yo come in

I had a 14yo come into the ER, we figured out she had Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) but didn’t know from what. She didn’t like that i had to cut into an artery for blood and she really didn’t like it when I told her I had to check for a tampon. I do what I need to do and ...

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Actually had a patie

Actually had a patient tell me today she needed two percocet to go so she could pay for her cab ride home.

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So we get a call at

So we get a call at dispatch about a patient requesting police and paramedics at a local bar. He’s in a bathroom stall, completely panicked, as the bar is full of people and he just got into a fight in the bathroom. he claims he’s not injured. so what’s the problem? it seems that during the fight the other guy ...

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I was sitting with a

I was sitting with a psych patient waiting for an ambulance to take him to a mental health facility. I saw an ambulance come and take someone else, but they then quickly brought him back. When they found one of the nurses, they said that the patient “went all psycho on us” and wouldn’t get in the truck. We then ...

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The other day, our c

The other day, our computerized medical charting system displayed one of the waiting room patient’s chief complaint as "sewing machine broke at 1500". Turns out her sewing machine broke at earlier that day and she has been anxious ever since.

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So last month we had

So last month we had a guy come in with a roofing nail stuck in his left hand. he said he did it while renovating his house. sounds reasonable.. last week he comes in with the same thing. This was kind of strange so myself and another doctor called local hospital and found out he has had the same injury ...

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While they never cam

While they never came in, I’ve answered calls to the ER where a woman expected us to help her child with her biology homework…. really lady?? Like we have nothing important going on here…

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42 year old male pre

42 year old male presents to the ER with eyes swollen shut, bruising all over body, complaining of head, neck, chest, abdo and pelvic pain. I ask "So what happened to you?" "I fell down… a lot…. on a baseball bat"

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11month old female,

11month old female, presented with orange coated tongue, just eaten orange biscuit, otherwise asymptomatic.

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