ERtards
Menu

ER story archive

Funny

The lighter side of life inside the emergency room.

96 stories

funny

40-ish dad brings hi

40-ish dad brings his 11 yo daughter to the ER on a saturday night (about 11pm) ’cause “last month she was bleeding “down there” and it started again today…”

Read story

funny

60ish male presents

60ish male presents to E.D. complaining of right knee pain. I ask they gentleman when it started. His reply, “1966, when I was in boot camp.” No recent changes or anything else. So, I wrote down his chief complaint of ‘knee pain x 43 years.’ Seriously… here’s some $600 ibuprofen.

Read story

funny

A Doctorate in Massage Therapy

25 y/o female arrives to ER c/o “deep cough.” She is about 5’3″ 110lbs. Pt corrects triage nurse by telling her, sharply, “NO, I have a DEEP THROMBOSIS.” Pt reassures triage nurse that she “knows what she’s talking about” because she has a doctorate… in massage therapy. Nurse informs patient that you cannot cough up an embolism.

Read story

funny

A few days ago, some

A few days ago, someone stole a wheelchair from my sister’s clinic, and tried to do tricks with it in the parking lot, which had a staircase to the sidewalk. Guess what? Now they need that wheelchair.

Read story

funny

A New Boy Toy

Teenage girl came into ER complaining of a fever, swollen glands, sore throat and continued drowsiness. During triage she said she began feeling like this only after a week of dating a new boy.

Read story

funny

A young mother comes

A young mother comes in with her 5 year old son. I never really believed dogs ate homework, much like i never believed that children ate glue. he still had the elmer’s white glue applicator stuck to his pants. poison control said there is nothing toxic in the glue and that the kid would be fine. the quiet calm the ...

Read story

funny

About a week ago I h

About a week ago I had an MHA for a girl who screamed at her whole boyfriend’s family for not inviting her to xmas and then tried to run her bf’s car off the road. She was freaking out in the back of the ambulance, upset that we dare take her to the hospital. In triage she got my partner’s ...

Read story

funny

Ajax on Pancakes

Actual text from triage assessment: “Pt states she accidentally poured Ajax dish detergent on her pancakes instead of syrup. Pt states she rinsed her mouth out several times but still wants to be checked.”

Read story

funny

Attack of the Squirrel

Parents bring in young son who had been playing in the yard when a squirrel approached him. The boy tried to pet the squirrel and it in turn attacked him.

Read story

funny

Attack of the Vending Machine

EMS arrived on scene where young male got his arm stuck in a vending machine. The poor guy was so humiliated that he wouldn't make eye contact with any of the first responders - all that for a bottle of soda.

Read story

funny

Barbecue and Spicy Food!

I transported a male patient to a local ER after he decided that life was too harsh and OD’d on Zantac. When I went back into the treatment room to get him to sign my paperwork he

Read story

funny

I Can’t Hold Pressure

Ran a call on the truck not too long ago, 30 minutes to get to the call. Call was for “lacerations with profuse bleeding”. On scene, we find a woman who had been drinking, heavily, and was reaching for a clock that happened to be broken. She had cut her ring and pinky fingers on the broken clock, a lac ...

Read story

funny

Despite years of exp

Despite years of experience in helping friends, family members, and pets with various medical issues, I’m afraid I wasn’t so smart with my own health. Thinking I had a strained muscle, I used a heavy-duty sports vibrator on my calf constantly for a week. Turns out it was a massive DVT… from six inches above the knee to mid-calf, involving ...

Read story

funny

Discharged for Dehydration

I am wheeled into the ER by my dad because I can’t walk due to the pain in my legs from dehydration. Dehydration, by the way, was my chief complaint. All vitals were consistent with this, and when the doctor came into the room to ask what was wrong, I said I was dehydrated. He looked at me and said ...

Read story

funny

Dumb 12YO male prese

Dumb 12YO male presents with pain, swelling and abrasions on penis. He took dad’s Viagra and ended up with priapism. Told the hysterical mom that “swelling” was called an erection, and that abrasions on penis came from the brat whacking off too hard and thus the pain. Mom asked what do we give brat to get rid of erection. Told ...

Read story

funny

Elderly gentleman br

Elderly gentleman brought from SNF with AMS. When in the ED, the resident asks, “where are we right now.” Patient pulled out his penis and began to urinate. He looked her right in the eye and said, “in a fucking coffee grinder, bitch!”

Read story

funny

Fresh Breath

We got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene and she hands us an empty mint container saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.

Read story

funny

Gentleman comes into

Gentleman comes into ER with 3y/o child w/ c/o fever. i go into the room to do a rectal temp. father pulls down the pull-up and i go to it. the child screams “no, not in the butt!!” the father replies ” yeah, you and your mother both” …

Read story

funny

Had a male nurse go

Had a male nurse go into a curtained room with a female tech to get a cath urine from an elderly demented lady. With curtain pulled he explains he needs a cath urine and patient agrees to the procedure. You hear him say “ok we are going to clean you up down here” and proceeded to use the betadyn when ...

Read story

funny

Had a young girl com

Had a young girl come in screaming about a terrible headache with the mom yelling at us. she wasn’t cooperative during her exam. She kept on screaming forever. Turns out her weave was done earlier that day and it was too tight!

Read story

funny

Hair Loss Crisis

Male patient comes in to ER complaining of hair loss. He had two barely visible bald patches so we told him off and sent in the direction of acquiring a GP.

Read story

funny

Help me, I’m homeless

A homeless guy came to the ER one night because he was living on the beach. I told him that is great and I wish I could live on the beach like him: no utilities, no stuff, nice climate, worst thing you worry about is rain and there is shelter nearby.

Read story

funny

How About We Wash You with Soup?

Nurse is cleaning a Hispanic woman after she gave birth. She is trying to explain in Spanish that she is going to wash her with soap and then dry her off, but she doesn’t know the word for soap, so she substitutes it with “sopa” which means soup in Spanish. So basically, “We are going to wash you with the ...

Read story

funny

I dealt with my firs

I dealt with my first tran-gendered M->F patient a couple days ago. I was looking through his/her chart and the previous MD (known for drawing sketches in charts) had a nicely drawn vagina of the patient with the dimensions labeled and all. I go outside to the waiting room and there are only three patients waiting, two ‘normal’ looking women ...

Read story

funny

I had a man the othe

I had a man the other day who instructed me he was a god from Atlantis. When I asked him if he drank or did drugs, he told me that as a god he could not poison his body with drugs, but alcohol allowed him to achieve a higher consciousness.

Read story

funny

I overheard a pt in

I overheard a pt in a room sayin “can ya hurry up and discharge me i have to be back at my corner to give blows jobs for money so i cant get my crack tonight”

Read story