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A 90 year old woman
A 90 year old woman who asked me where her clitoris was. Anyone who could keep a straight face in that situation is a champ. I clearly didn’t.
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ER Staff
The unforgettable things medical professionals say and do.
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A nurse is preceptin
A nurse is precepting with a new nurse. They walk out of the ER towards the lab carrying a bedpan with a sheet over the top. i see them and say, “what ‘cha got? it’s almost dinner time, lets go heat it up and have dinner together” a shock overcomes the rookie’s face. “you know what’s in here?!” i say, ...
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A young couple comes
A young couple comes in intoxicated, he said I put 2 AA batterys in her ass and I can’t get them out. I do a rectal, thought I could feel something, so I did an x-Ray. The batteries were easily visible on the x-Ray. So I consulted surgery. All three residents see the patient. Then the attending comes in sets ...
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A young man brings h
A young man brings his 3 year old to the ER. Chief complaint is "burning eyes". Apparently earlier in the day, the child’s mother’s friend pee’d on his face.
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Altered Mental Status
Wondering why you'd give them in the first place if she was allergic to them, I requested she describe allergy.
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Amish teenage female
Amish teenage female comes in to ER with parents c/o severe abd pain. Doctor goes in to do a pelvic exam and notices that she literally has VINES coming out of her vag. Turns out she and her BF were using a YAM as barrier contraception!
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Are you going to argue with a doctor?
Ambulance responded to an anaphylaxis patient and upon arrival found a patient covered in hives and complaining of being very itchy.
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As an orderly a nurs
As an orderly a nurse calls me and asks that i take a patient who expired down to the morgue. i arrive at the bed and take the patient. In the elevator i start hearing some noises and notice the body moving. after i calm down from nearly having a heart attack i realize the patient was just sleeping and ...
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At triage: "I don'
At triage: “I don’t know how long you’ll be waiting for, this isn’t a restaurant”
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Attack of the Patient
Pt stumbled over scale and RN, who had her back turned, was scared and said, “Oh my God, I thought you were going to attack me!”
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Big Breaths
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient‘s anterior chest wall.
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Foot Fungus
I was sitting at the RN station one morning when the triage nurse walked by with a disgusted look on his face. When I asked him what was wrong he said,
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"For every pig
"For every pig, there’s a pig fucker". Explained to me by an ER doctor when I questioned how it was possible for my 16 year-old, 400 pound patient to become pregnant when she could
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Get You Off
X-ray tech to patient: “You just lay there until I get you off!”
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Had a pt come in thr
Had a pt come in through triage last night complaining of weakness due to “not eating for 2 weeks.” we offered her a sandwich. Her response was “that’s too heavy for my stomach, do you something lighter like fruit or salad?”
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I bring my son in he
I bring my son in he had a fever for 3 days, i had kept it down with tempra, and they told me thats what the medication was for, we then sat in a small room waiting for 4 hours as he screamed, and when my mom told the doctor it sounded like the croup, he said ‘oh who said ...
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I brought my friend
I brought my friend to ER for a concussion. I know first aid that’s but I was worried he might not wake up again if he passed out. I left for a minute to call his family. One of the guards, who was supposed to weed out the idiots from an always-crowded ER, kicked him out for being drunk, and ...
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I was orienting a ne
I was orienting a new grad to the ED. We had a pt that coded and died earlier in the day and the body was moved back to one of my rooms later in the day. The new grad didn’t notice that the body had moved to our room. I told the new grad that we had a new pt ...
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I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner
As a new young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
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I work as a porter i
I work as a porter in an ER and while about to transfer a patient to the floor I ask if they have all their belongings with them. They say yes but I don’t see any shoes “what about you’re shoes”. Patient removes blankets to reveal a double amputation. Go me.
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In Ontario we have t
In Ontario we have this thing called tele-health where idiots call in their dumb medical problems. this results in us getting thousands of people in minor complaints like colds because tele-health doesn’t want to be held liable. nice use of resources.
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Lady needs a bed as
Lady needs a bed as she was having a miscarriage and I said to her “The bed will be available in a minute, just waiting for the body in it to leave” I then quickly added “Live body” luckily her and her husband laughed.
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Little Miss Princess
I'm precepting a new grad who is a total princess from a wealthy local family. The usual crap about not being able to cope with life in the ER is fine, I can deal with that. I draw the line at,
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My wife, uh, has worms
20 plus years ago, before we went to a central 911 center, all of our emergency calls were answered by the city PD dispatcher.
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No Past History of Suicides
While giving report on a patient they just brought in, a paramedic states that “the patient has no past history of suicides.”
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Not an Emergency
I have a chronic illness and end up in the ER often for acute exacerbation of tachycardia and dehydration. Anyways, I was sitting in the ER and heard a girl in the hall saying she had chest pain and was breathing loudly.
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One night, one of ou
One night, one of our very frequent patients came into the ED for the 45th time that year with complaints abdominal pain. He had had multiple work ups, CT, etc. I told him that I finally had the test that would diagnose his problem. It’s called an autopsy. He threatened to come back and haunt me.
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One nurse picked up
One nurse picked up the chart to call a patient back and instead of calling his name in the waiting room she yelled, "swollen testicle!" He raised his hand.
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One very nasty lady
One very nasty lady who was having an MI (heart attack) was in the process of getting TPA, which was in use at the time as a clot buster for an infarct, and has the huge risk of bleeding as many of you know. We had explained it all to her and she said she understood, but she was a ...
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Our doctor looked ar
Our doctor looked around our waiting room the other morning around 3AM, looked at me and said, ‘this place is a fucking genealogical cesspool". Well said doc.
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Our new receptionist
Our new receptionist Julia, patient presenting complaint….. Pain in Text icles….smart girl this one.
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Overheard a male nur
Overheard a male nurse talking to a female patient coming out of a diabetic crisis. Nurse joking said “Oh, I’m sorry mam, I didn’t mean to make you sweat.” Patient yells so that all the ER can hear “You didn’t make me sweat! You ugly!” That just made my day!
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Overheard in hallway
Overheard in hallway pt: “Have you ever seen one this big?” nurse: “ive seen some big ones but yours is impressive” pt had an abcess on his back.
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Patient (Who dialled
Patient (Who dialled for ambulance after stubbing her toe on frdge door) pointing to said digit: I think its gangrene Paramedic: No no, thats just filth. You dont want an ambulance, you want a bath. haha
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Pt brought to ER by
Pt brought to ER by EMS after having seizure. Chief complaint listed in computer by staff member as “Post-Dictal.” We got a kick outta that one, it doesn’t take much.
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PT: "Do you have to
PT: “Do you have to be dying to be seen in this place?!” (patient with a sore throat). Me: “yea, that’s usually the idea”
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Rolling in Mud
Last night we picked up a frequent flier who is a hypochondriac and is constantly convinced she has any aliment that the media talks about.
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Scabies Maybe?
One day I broke into awful hives so I went to the university's health center where a doctor told me I had eaten something and it was just an allergic reaction, take some benedryl it would go away.
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Scrotal Cellulitus
Did a transfer from hospital back to SNF when my partner and I had a student riding with us. We saw the dispatch on our MDT that said “scrotal cellulitus” and the look on our stude
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So a midget comes in
So a midget comes in with a minor problem. As i’m listening to him explain his situation i’m reminded of the family guy cut away where an old man asks a midget "where’s the rest of
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