3am chief complaint: Pain in penis. Guy says “I think something is inside me.” I ask what do you mean you think? He replies “I fell asleep and these guys stuck something inside my penis…” That something? A bic pen that was lodged all the way up to his prostatic urethra! I called up urology on call whose reply was “f*ckin idiots…” Their discharge instructions to the patient after fishing out his lost pen read: 1) Don’t drink so much alcohol. 2) Don’t party with those guys anymore.