ER story archive

Sex

Awkward, unbelievable, and very adult ER stories.

Page 2 of 3

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Had someone call 911

Had someone call 911 and come in by ambulance at 4am because, "I was playing with myself and when I smelled my fingers afterward, the smell made me short of breath." NASTY!

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How about this one..

How about this one.. a lady presents with half of a vibrator in her rectum.. unfortunately the battery portion which was still running…. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… hahahaha!

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Hurting Thighs

Pt: “My groin and inner thighs are hurting.” Nurse: “When did the pain begin?” Pt: “After having sex with my boyfriend.”

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I Could Still Pee

Nurse asks,

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I do intefacility tr

I do intefacility transfers (mostly to behavioral health centers) and on one occasion I was met in the ED by a grinning RN. Handing me an apron she continued to explain that my patient was a “chronic masturbator” and then wished me luck with my 45 min. trip…

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I Found a Lump

Had a woman come in 0200 who had been screwing around and her boyfriend almost bit off her nipple.

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I have seen 2 men co

I have seen 2 men come to the ER with objects stuck in their rectums. The first was a man with an 11 inch vibrator stuck inside. When we pulled it out it had a condom wrapped around it. The other guy said his wife put a cucumber up his butt. Sure enough there was a cucumber, but we had ...

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I recently triaged a

I recently triaged a girl who came up to my desk in tears. "i was at a party and some guy put afro gel in my vagina!" must have been some party.

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I saw a 19 year old

I saw a 19 year old man at 5AM with a zit behind his ear. It had been there for 1 month. He said he hadn’t taken it to the GP because he didn’t think it was serious, but was now worried that it hadn’t resolved itself so it was an emergency. fuck.

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I saw a patient last

I saw a patient last year, who’s chief complaint was "rectal bumps". The patient stated that they used "tanning oil and hair conditioner" because they ran out of lube.

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I Want a Cure

Male patient in to ER saying,

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It’s OK, I have Medicaid

Pt: “I need a pregnancy test.” RN: “Do you realize this pregnancy test is going to cost you about $500?” Pt: “It’s OK, I have Medicaid.”

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Job Well Done

We responded to the local “no-tell” motel, and found a couple whose age was in question, looking very nervous as the police question them. The call is a possible seizure, and as we

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Just like in hetrose

Just like in hetrosexual couples, spousal abuse occurs in same sex couple. So one night i’m about to give an IV to this whiney 30 year old guy when his boyfriend interjects with “if you can take my dick up your ass, you can take this needle.”

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Just this weekend ha

Just this weekend had a pt coming in asking for Viagra. I explained that this was an emergency department and that that was something that needed to be managed by his primary MD. He sai “If you saw this girl you would know that this is sn emergency!!!”

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Last night I triaged

Last night I triaged a college kid with “a burning penis”. I assumed it was going to be just another STD like so many others. Sadly, he used Purell to masturbate with. Rhodes fucking Scholar right there.

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Last night mid 30's

Last night mid 30’s guy comes in and says: “I want my foreskin reattached, all the guys at the gym think I’m Jewish.” *facepalm*

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last night- woman co

last night- woman comes in with vaginal bleeding. Of course, our first though was why didn’t she just go see her gynie, etc. But her case just goes to show that there’s always that one in a million that is actually an emergency. She was over 40, got a new- apparently better than average endowed- boyfriend, and had sex for ...

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Like a Hotdog in a Hallway

A young woman presents with a really embarrassed look on her face. She tells me that she can't get her Nuvaring out.

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Like a Virgin

Young male came in with his girlfriend and wanted us to check if she was a virgin! They didn't make it past triage.

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Making my rounds thr

Making my rounds through ER one night I discover that there is a guy in trauma who came in via ambulance because he has a cock ring with a very firm grip on his genitalia. So firm that he has passed out from lack of oxygen. Sounds tragic. Not! This is the second time he has been to the ER ...

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Mechanic Man

“I just knew I had an infection, because my boyfriend is a mechanic and his fingers are always dirty and he wants to finger me every night.”

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Midnight Tryst

Patient comes in with chest pain in the middle of the night.

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"My coochie be a st

“My coochie be a stinkin’ and my bofriend won’t eat it no mo”

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My fav so far – A wo

My fav so far – A women used an aerosol can to masturbate and the lid came off and got stuck….she tried to have her kids remove it, but they were unsuccessful so the surgeon did!

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My favorite call was

My favorite call was "if you have gonorrhea can you still eat cheese?" I had to of course share this question with a doctor standing near by, whose response was "Depends on where y

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My unit arrives on s

My unit arrives on scene, and I walk into the room to find a 70something year old male who was sounding with a toothbrush. (For those of you not in the know, sounding is the insertion of objects into the urethra for sexual pleasure.) Our patient inserted the toothbrush bristle end first (I have no idea how) and could not ...

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New Year, New STD

A few days after New Year's, a male comes in with a chief complaint that he doesn't feel well and wants an STD check. He mutters,

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Not the Energizer Bunny

Apparently a

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Obese teen female ca

Obese teen female came by ambulance at 4 AM worried she was pregnant. Said she stopped using condoms with her bf after a week “because he decided I was his girl now and he didn’t have to wear one anymore” I decided a pelvic was in order. I first had to tell her what a gynecologist was and what a ...

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Patient comes in wan

Patient comes in wanting to know when her baby was conceived. If it was on November 4th then it’s ok but if it was October 28th, she wants an abortion as that isn’t her husband’s kid.

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Patient comes into E

Patient comes into ER for a vibrator stuck in his Ass. The ER physician can feel the vibrations coming through the man’s abdomen and cannot retrieve it so he consults a surgeon who

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Patient is in “stable” condition

29-year-old male called 911 for traumatic injuries. Turns out that in some bizarre sex game he's pushed 3 toy horses into his rectum.

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Patient reported dis

Patient reported discomfort in and around her vagina. Upon investigation, it was ascertained that she had been having sex with her boyfriend when the condom broke. Thinking quickly, in order to avert pregnancy, she douched with the closest thing at hand: a can of cream soda. “It’s fizzy, right? So it should get you real clean.” Hey, at least she ...

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Peeping Psych

Frequent flyer psych pt (not currently suicidal/homicidal) in the waiting room becomes aggressive towards other pts, so he's escorted to the quiet room usually used for grieving families.

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Penis Ring

Turns out his wife put a ring around his penis and it got stuck. His wife was on the phone and refused to come in saying they were getting a divorce.

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Practice Safe Bolting

Patient came in to ER with a socket wrench dangling from his penis. Why does someone have romantic tendencies with a socket wrench? Treated him for hematoma and told him to lay off

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PT has rank smell. H

PT has rank smell. Hygiene appears to be good so Mom brings her in to find out why. PT finally admits that she and her BF wanted to do something kinky so they tied some bells onto his penis before having intercourse. Bells fell off and have been in her vagina for a few weeks. Once the bells were retrieved ...

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PT is brought in for

PT is brought in for suspicion of pregnancy by foster mom. Test is positive. PT breaks into tears. Says she doesn’t know how. She has been INSERTING her birth control pills everyday and has not missed even one. Tard.

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Question: "Is there

Question: “Is there any chance that you may be pregnant?” Reply: “I don’t know, but you can ask my boyfriend”