complete idiots
It Started This Morning
Nurse: “Did this problem start today?” Patient: “No, it started this morning.” Nurse: “Uh, what?”
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Complete Idiots
The choices that make emergency-room staff stop and stare.
Page 8 of 14complete idiots
It took the nurse fo
It took the nurse four return visits before she figured out that the reason the patient was constantly vomiting solids even though it had been hours since her last meal was because her daughter kept force-feeding her sandwiches between vomiting spells. (“Mom, you HAVE to eat to keep up your health! You don’t want it to get worse, do you?!”)
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Itchin’ Bitchin’
Called to trailer park at 3am for an 80-something female. When asked what seemed to be the problem she said, “I itch all over.” When asked when the itching started, she said it was
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Itchy Balls
Male patient presented with testicular itching for 27 years. So three decades of itching is now considered an emergency at 1am?
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Itchy Bumps
Male patient comes in to the ER, states,
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Itchy Eyes
Pt:
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Itchy palms on a 4ye
Itchy palms on a 4year old at 4.00am!! Emergency most definitely.
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its 12:45 "I h
its 12:45 "I had an appointment with my family doctor at 13:15 today but I just don’t think I can wait much longer" but they end up sitting in the ER waiting room for 3 hours and t
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it's 2am and this g
it’s 2am and this guy comes in with an uninfected ingrown toe nail which he has had for over 2 years. but tonight he was afraid his toe was going to fall off.
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Its always the const
Its always the constipated people that get me. how is not pooing for 24 hours an emergency?!? i know a man who keeps presenting with constipation and thinks the health profession is conspiring against him when they tell him to walk around, drink water and eat fibre.
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It’s the Black Lung
19 y/o girl came in due to “everyday coughing” for the last 5 years! Oh, it was a coincidence that it was about the same time she started smoking, too!
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Jar of Sputum
Had an older gentleman bring in a pint jar full of the sputum he had been hacking up for 2 days because he didn’t think we would believe he was really sick.
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Jeeves, Fetch the Car
Patient came in at 3am by ambulance service only to have a non-emergency. She then became upset when we did not have a car service to take her back home after discharge. And this is the hospital's fault, how?
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Just after 9/11 idio
Just after 9/11 idiot presented to triage with an anthrax sandwich. I of course asked to view the offending article which was then produced, apparently he had spotted white powder (flour) on the chicken, he would not listen and wanted it sent off for detailed examination; so I ate it in front of him
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Just got back from t
Just got back from this one. Pt has COPD and her left lung was removed due to cancer. Got a call for shortness of breath, arrived to find the patient laying in bed with the cigarette still smoking in the ashtray. She said she has not been compliant with her meds because she can’t afford them, just before she took ...
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Lack of Brass Balls
Group of teen boys come into ER with their buddy in a wheelchair who is complaining of severe groin pain.
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Lady presents 5 hour
Lady presents 5 hours after having her molar removed, concerned about the swelling. ‘Doc, is it common to have facial swelling after tooth extraction?’ geez, don’t know where she been, but obviously she’s 60 and never met a person who has wisdom teeth taken out before. Back to your hole ladY!
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Last friday some col
Last friday some college kids called an ambulance because they were throwing up after 3 bottles of vodka. gee, i wonder why?
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Last night a mother
Last night a mother brings her 16 y/o son in with a broken arm after falling down the stairs. Walking down the hall the mother catches up to me and says ” Thanks for all your help, although I think he might be gay, is there anything you can prescribe him for that just in case ?”…TARD
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Last night, a woman
Last night, a woman calls at 4am, worried about her hubby, who has swallowed a fly…. WTF? TARD!
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Last night I had to
Last night I had to reset the ankle of a 14 year old who tried to use a garbage bag as a parachute while jumping off his parent’s shed. I told him to youtube Franz Reichetlt when he got home.
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Last night we treate
Last night we treated a patient with serious burns to his hands. The cause? Attempting the steal copper wire from a light pole which was on.
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Last week, 2am a 28
Last week, 2am a 28 year old presents with an ear blocked with wax. He arrived by ambulance.
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Last week, a dumb fu
Last week, a dumb fuck comes in saying that he’s itchy all over. he lifted up his shirt exposing his shaved chest, including his underarms. he also says he’s itchy in his groin and tried to show me his shaved balls. how the fuck is hair regrowth an emergency?
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Last week I had a 21
Last week I had a 21 year old kid come up to triage and demand to see a doctor because his upper lip was dry.
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Last week, I had a p
Last week, I had a patient tell me her 97 degree body temperature is definitely a "fever" for her.
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Last week some idiot
Last week some idiot came in asking for a physical. Ya, this is an emergency room not a family doctor office.
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Last weekend, had a
Last weekend, had a patient come in with a cold (awesome). While in Xray the techs ask if there is a chance she’s pregnant. she replies with "kinda". the fuck?
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Late Night Call
Called to the local inpatient addiction/rehab
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Lava Lamp
PT comes in after a night out with the boys. He states that he had a small, battery-operated lava lamp inserted into his rectum. Sent him to OR for removal.
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Leave a Record
A couple comes in to Peds ER with their 4 mo baby. Their reasoning was they thought the baby formula looked and smelled funny.
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Like a Rock
15-year-old female comes in with a bruised foot and can't walk on it. Why?
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Little old lady boug
Little old lady bought in by ambulance – symptom – "Cant sleep"… funny that neither can I – maybe I should call an ambulance too. sheesh!
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Lose His Shit
Patient states that he
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Losing a Bet to Friends
Get called for a guy who drank about a gallon of windshield washing fluid after losing a bet to his friends. His chief complaint was “an intensely upset stomach” and was wondering
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Make an Impression
Man tried to make an impression of his foot by placing it in a bucket of cement so he could create contemporary art.
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Man comes in midnigh
Man comes in midnight on Friday night with gastro. Me: "And have you been travelling overseas or eaten anything suspicious in the last few days?" Pt: "Well I was at a brothel last
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Man comes into the E
Man comes into the ER wearing a hospital gown and a band from another hospital. Asked did he want to see a doctor, he replied yes. when asked why he said because the cab from the other hospital would only take him to our ER and he needed to get closer to home…so he wanted to see a doctor so ...
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Man comes to ED in a
Man comes to ED in a raincoat withh a vacuum cleaner. Apparently there he was vacuuming nude and it just got away from him and attached itself to his penis. He brought the entire vacuum cleaner.
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Man, cricket ball, a
Man, cricket ball, ass….rode bike to the hospital. win!
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