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Complete Idiots

The choices that make emergency-room staff stop and stare.

Page 3 of 14

complete idiots

Another locum tenens

Another locum tenens story. Dimwit 30 YO female walks into clinic with her toddler son and is screaming that her son has been “traumatized”. Triage nurse finally gets the mother to calm down and explain. Mom and dad were having sex when the toddler wandered into the room and stared at them and cried. Dimwit mother thinks the kid will ...

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complete idiots

another one was a wo

another one was a woman who had eaten to much and wanted a lie down in the crash room until her stomach felt abit better!!

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complete idiots

arrival via ambulanc

arrival via ambulance the other day presents at triage because "they were cold"! Nothing like a trip to the waiting room to decide how sick you are!

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complete idiots

Become a Vegan and Grow a Beard

Arrived on scene and was told (in fearful tones) by the father that his son was becoming a terrorist. How did he know this? Because his son had become a vegan and grown a beard.

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complete idiots

Best one I heard was

Best one I heard was the guy who told me his diverticulosis was acting up and a vibrator showed up on the x-ray…..Love to hear how he explained it to his wife.

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complete idiots

Best reasoning for p

Best reasoning for possibly having H1N1: "I’ve got erectile dysfunction, does that mean I have swine flu?" I’m thinking: "how the fuck are the two related?"

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complete idiots

Best "The Dog ate t

Best “The Dog ate the Vicodan” Story. I was sitting at Triage on a Saturday morning. A 40ish female presents with chronic low back pain stating 10/10. She has a pain contract and was all out of her pills. Her doctor was unavailable. Here is her plight. Her vial of 60 pills was sitting on the window sill over the ...

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complete idiots

Bleach to the Feet

Male patient came in to ER with c/c of chemical burns on feet. Turns out he had athletes foot and tried to get rid of it by soaking his feet in bleach.

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complete idiots

Bowel Blues

We had a patient come in with brutal abdominal pain. Turns out the guy swallowed a condom filled with cocaine which burst after several days trying to make it through his bowels.

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complete idiots

Break a Leg, or Legs!

I was paged a run to an ECF for a femur fx. The pt proceeds to tell me that the nursing staff told her she had bilateral femur fx.

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complete idiots

Brought in by ambula

Brought in by ambulance, 5:25 am with a 7 hour history of ‘severe’ sore throat and ‘cold’. Right this way sir, care for a cyanide lozenge to numb your throat? Just piss the taxpayers money away.

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complete idiots

Burning Pain in the Neck

Girl came in complaining of burning pain to her neck and shoulders. Turns out she used Icy-Hot rub and didn't expect the sensation she got.

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complete idiots

Called out to a hous

Called out to a house for adult male with burns to face, chest, and arms. When we arrive one scene we find a man with second degree burns to those areas because he was squirting lighter fluid onto an open flame in his grill outside. He was peeling his blisters off. Me ->Stop popping your blisters. Pt -> Why? The ...

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complete idiots

Called to: 11, unabl

Called to: 11, unable to move or feel arm? Stroke? On arrival met by ambulant, non-distressed female. States: "I fell asleep lying on my arm. When I woke up I couldn’t move it, but

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complete idiots

Can you check…

Patient presents with “fast heartbeat” which then turns into chest pain, DVT, high cholesterol and “can you see if something is wrong with my thyroid?” (Pt mentions he saw commerci

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complete idiots

Change the Order

Doctor discharged patient with prescription of four Vicodin pills. The guy thought he could pull one over on the pharmacist so he decided to change the order to 40 pills, not stopping to think that we might keep the carbon copy for our records.

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complete idiots

Chest Pains and Spicy Food

Extremely large patient comes in by ambulance with chest pains and saying she had a heart attack. The story turns out that she ate a bunch of spicy food and sat in a hot tub for a few hours.

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complete idiots

Cleaning the Attic

A 40 year old guy comes to my triage window with a broken arm after falling in his attic. He was doing some cleaning at his place when this happened.

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complete idiots

comment from patient

comment from patient today when having a plaster of paris back slab applied..does plaster of paris contain wheat as i am allergic to food containing wheat.. do you think he planned on eating his cast?

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complete idiots

constipated for 10 d

constipated for 10 days! Are you kidding me? doctor orders blood work, x-ray, and ct scan only to tell her theres nothing wrong with you go home and give yourself an enema. great use of our time

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complete idiots

couple years ago a p

couple years ago a patient came into the ER complaining about his bowel movement. normally his shit sinks and that morning they floated. he just thought he should get it checked out. All I could do is stare in shock.

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complete idiots

Crispy English Muffin

Female patient in ER complaining of chest pain. She was eating a “very crispy English muffin” and felt a burning sensation in the middle of her chest. She called 911, EMS assessed

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complete idiots

Definition of Fibrom

Definition of Fibromyalgia: it is and I quote an ER Physician " What we call all your silly complaints and aches and pains when we are sick of dealing with you over and over".

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